Dissonance
by AnamatronicFish
Summary: A CogDis story about how Niiue came to be. Er, lots of spoilers about that game in it, though. I will try writing more to it later on.
1. Past

He looks at me with wide, trusting eyes. He stares over my shoulder, watching everything I do. He is silent. He is a Watcher. An Observer. Nothing more than a ghost who sees but cannot do.

I bury my face in my hands, teeth barred. I hate him. I hate every fraction of him from his wide eyes to his wagging tail. He tilts his little head to the side, peering around my shoulder. He looks concerned and I hate him even more for it. He must think I'm weak. That I'm pathetic. That I'm useless. It's not true. None of it is. None. Of. It. My ears are flat against my head and I dig my fingers into my face. I am strong. The strongest. The only reason I lost to them was- NO. No, I can't think about that. I can't.

His tail is wagging again. I see it from the corner of my eyes. He has to go. Go far away. I had though he was- No, no, but it wasn't good enough. Locking him away wasn't enough. Locking those away. He stopped me from winning. He clawed his way out of the dark pit I stuffed him into all those years ago. He stopped me. He corrupted me. He made me equal- No, less, than those filthy insects that…that…

I press my eyes shut and focus my mind. I am done. I am done with the aching he brings. I am done with the regret his stare brings to my mind. I am done with the sadness, oh, the sadness, the loss, the pain, the true weakness he summons in me. I just need to get rid of him. I need to get rid of the pain. Once I do that…once I'm free, I…I…

"Why?" His voice is soft, but it slices through my mind and concentration without a problem. My eyes are open. I am there. I am here. My place. I stare down at him with contempt. He thinks he's safe. He thinks he knows me. He thinks he can hurt me and stop me and control me and he can't! He can't! He's worthless! He's nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

He speaks again. "Why are you crying?"

I raises a hand to my eyes and brush away a tear. No. No, no, no, no, no. I do not cry. I do not. NO.

I am on my knees. On the ground. Why am I on the ground? Why can't my legs support me? I feel his body against mine and his arms around my torso and I'm crying. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I…I hate me. I hate me. I hate my life, I hate what I…I hate how, how, I hate how unstable I feel, how I can't keep him in a box, how he always gets out. How I always feel them. Feel that regret, that sorrow, that nostalgia, that aching in my chest.

It makes me think that, it reminds me, it just. It just.

Why do I think I'm special? Why do I feel like the universe owes me anything? I am, I…

I am just a failure. Useless. Broken. I can't make her happy. I can't make them happy. I can't make me happy. I don't even know what I want. I can't…I just…

He wants to make me happy. He thinks he can, but he can't. He's stupid. He's weak. He's deluded.

He can't do anything. How? How can he? I can't do anything. I can't do anything but shove him down. Push him away. Bury him.

I clench my hands into fists.

He's doing this to me. He's why I'm crying. Why I'm weak. Why I… Why I'm me.

I shove him aside with as much energy as I can muster. "No," I shout, "NO!"

He stares at me. He doesn't look angry. Just sad. Just confused. I don't want to…I just…can't. I rub my eyes, but they are still wet. He opens his mouth. "Please." He takes a step forward. "Pay attention to me."

He stands too close to me. I want to reach out and shove him away, but I'm shaking too much. I cannot tolerate him here. I stare at him and I realize that, if I want to get rid of him…of my weakness…he cannot stay in my head. I curl my hands into fists. I'll think of something. I always do.


	2. Break

Can I kill him? A burst of hot energy courses through my body at the thought. The thought is intoxicating. Kill him. Yes. Then, I'd be free. Free of my weaknesses, free of my past, free of everything I hate in myself. A grin stretches across my face and my shaking increases. I raise my gaze to him. He stares back. He does not look worried, just unhappy. Doesn't matter, though, since he'll be dead in a second.

I lift a trembling hand and focus my energy.

I will kill him. I will kill him now. I will…

I lower my hand, the shaking growing worse. My ears ring and I crumple to the ground. The energy I gathered fizzles away. I cannot kill him. I…I cannot…

Why?

Why is this happening?

I force my head upwards. I get a good look at that…that…burden. That weakness. He kneels down next to me and wraps his arms around my head.

"I hate you," I growl, unable to free my head from him. I am too weak around him. Why can't I kill him? Why can't I hurt him? Why can't I stop him? I don't want him here. I don't want him anywhere near me. I want him out. Dead. Gone.

Gone, gone, gone…

The word sticks with me. Earlier, I concluded that he could not stay in my head. That was a blanket statement. A conclusion I drew from a series of events. I hadn't considered it in terms of a solution. I wonder if I can actually push him out of my head. Pry him away from myself and free myself from his ever-watching eyes and the niggling feeling that I'm doing something wrong.

If I can push him away, I won't need to worry about the past. It can't hurt me if I cut my ties with it. I will be safe. Safe from pain and the past and everyone who thinks they can hurt me. Safe from that song.

I bite my hand and drive the melody from my brain. No, no, no, no, no! I can't think about it. I can't. The more I think about it, the stronger he gets.

I take a deep breath and clear my mind. It is a struggle. Memories from the past, song notes, words, they all fight to stay in my head. I can't let them stay. I can't.

I force the song away. I bury it away, just as I've done for the better part of a century. I bury them away along with the sadness and the pain, but no! No, he tightens his grip, as he can prevent me from…as if…as if he's stronger than me. As if he can bring the song back and force the sadness on me again. As if hugging…no, no, as if tightening his arms around…It's hugging, it is, I know what it is, I can't forget it, why? Why can't I forget it? Why does he keep doing this to me? The last person to…no, no, that hurts. It's painful. I can't remember her. No, not now. Not now that I've buried the song again. Not now that I have a plan.

He's not loosening his grip. He's hugging me, saying, "Please remember me. Please."

I can't remember him. I won't remember him. He's not what I am anymore. I destroyed him. I pushed him aside. I got rid of him. He's not me. I won't acknowledge him. I can't! I won't!

"You are okay…you are fine. This is normal." He's talking. Why won't he shut up? I hate him. I hate each word that comes out of his mouth because it's a filthy lie and he's just messing with me! I'm not normal! I'm broken. I'm corrupted by…by that song, and these memories, and by him. Always by him. I can't let him win. I can't let my weakness win. Not again. Not after Earth. Not after those children made…no. I have to stop him. I have to stop the song. If I can't stop it, I will never get him out of my head and I'll always be…always be…

"I…I'm….I'm sick!" I say, letting the words my mind saved from years ago return and fill it. His grip loosens and his ears go flat against his head. My head throbs. I hate these words. I hate the words that shaped my life. But, I can't stop. I can't ignore them. They made me shut him out years ago, and, as much as they hurt, they will get the job done again. I see that he hates them, too. I see the pain on his face and I take strength from it. "S-sick and…and twisted and…and corrupted by them."

I am? My ears twitch and I decide, right now, that there is no connection between me and him. He is a useless weight I used to carry around. He is not me. He isn't. He's not part of me, or close to me or anything with me. He is weakness and I refuse to be weak any longer.

He lets go of me and stares. I keep talking. "Worthless, worthless little one!" He opens his mouth, but I cut him off. "Does it hurt to wake up alone? To wait by the door for…for someone who…for someone who abandoned m-you?"

He takes a step back, then another. He does not stop looking at me. I don't care anymore. I am on my feet. My head's buzzing. My balance is off. I am on my feet. That is all that matters. That's it. "She left you. She…she left you alone, weak, useless, a-and you are pathetic, useless, impractical because you won't stop thinking that she loves you!"

I stare down at him, at the tears in his eyes, and I pause. I do not pause for long enough to question my decisions. The time for second-guessing is over. I need him gone. I need him out. I can't stand his pain. I gather all my strength and, with more mental effort than I've used in all my life, I push. Him. Out.


	3. Out

He opens his eyes—

No. No… That's not right.

I open my eyes. I open them and take a deep breath of air. It's cold and I roll onto my side. My heart pounds in my chest and I stare at the person across from me. I stare at me. That who it is, isn't it? I think it is. Maybe. My pulse won't slow down. I take another deep breath. I hope that it will settle my nerves. My head feels clearer, but I still can't figure out what's going on.

What is this? What's going on? Why am I here? Why am I there? I press my hands over my eyes, trembling. No, no, no, this is not my home. This is…this is…

Hold on. This isn't getting me anywhere. I move my hands and stare at them. They're shaking. I hug my knees to my chest and bury my face against my legs. Let's start with the basic. Nice and easy.

First? Who am I? What is my name?

I press my face closer against my legs. Name, name, name…

Giegue. That's who I am. My heart leaps and I smile. I'm making progress. I look up and stare at the me across the room. I haven't opened my eyes yet. I crawl across the room and tap the top of my head. I don't move.

Am…am I dead? I look back at my hands and rub them together. I feel pretty solid, but I don't know a whole lot about ghosts and dead people. Maybe ghosts feel solid to themselves. My eyes are locked on me. I can't pull my gaze away.

Stop him, a voice in my head says. Stop him from hurting himself even more.

I'm shivering. Whatever that voice is, it's pretty hard to ignore, so I lean in closer to take a look at me. I'm starting to remember what was going on before I opened my eyes here. I wrap my arms around my head and hug myself. It's curious. I sit there with me in my arms, remembering what I told myself in my head just twenty minutes ago. Don't forget about me. Don't forget about me. Don't forget about me.

Is this really me? I look down at myself. Am I really me? If I'm remembering correctly, Giegue keeps pushing me aside and hiding me away. Suppressing me. I frown and tilt my head to the side. I don't think I'm the sort to do that. Well, I guess I am, but I'm not. I shake my head. This is getting confusing. I pat my head.

"Wake up, Googie," I say, beaming at me.

There's a smile on my face for a second before I open my eyes and remember where I am. Maaaaybe I shouldn't use our nickname right when I'm waking up. I can't be certain, but I think that look of disappointment was because I thought mom was waking me up.

I really need to work on how I refer to me. ….Him. He's him, I'm me, and we're both Giegue. I brush a stray clump of hair away from my face and beam at him. He narrows his eyes. "Go away," he says. His voice is thin and weak. He doesn't

I shrug it off. He's said worse things to me. Of course, I wasn't solid then. I was just him. Am I still just him? I'm not really sure. I think we're still the same, but, if that's the case, what am I doing here? Shouldn't I be in his head again? My heart's pounding again and I am panicking. I keep a smile on my face.

"Oh, but it's so nice here," I say. He pushes himself into a sitting position and glares at me. The clump of hair falls back over my eyes and I twirl it around one of my fingers. "Why do you suppose I have ha-"

"Go. Away."

I tug on the strands of hair. "I'm not leaving."


	4. Nuisance

I'm still on the bridge. He's yelled and screamed and begged me to leave for the past ten minutes. Each time he opens his mouth, he hesitates longer. Each time he hesitates, I feel renewed confidence that I'm doing the right thing. That he is lying to me. That he needs me and wants me and is still, deep down, as lonely and frightened as he was all those years ago.

I look into his face. He's hiding his true feelings from me. I know he is. I know him. He has a mask on right now; a mask of hatred and anger, but, I know he needs my help. I know he regrets what happened and wishes he could change his past and make everything better again. He just won't admit it. He is just too stubborn. He's just lying to himself.

Why won't he listen to me? I repeat the question over and over in my mind. Why does he want me gone? Does he really think I'm his problem? Does he think his heart made him lose the war with Earth?

I twirl a few strands of hair and frown. Well, okay, maybe he's got a point there. I did keep him from winning. He's not thinking, though. Why doesn't he realize that he didn't stop because he was weak. He didn't stop because he couldn't succeed. He stopped because he realized it was wrong. Why isn't he thinking right now? Why is he pushing me away? He's treating me like a weakness. I'm not a pest. I'm not a nuisance. I'm just…I…

I ball my free hand into a fist and look away from him. He's so stubborn. Why is he so determined to hate me? He knew destroying Earth was wrong. He knew it deep down in his heart. There's nothing wrong with realizing your actions are wrong; with changing your mind and deciding on a new course of action.

I squeeze my hand tighter and force it to stop shaking. I can't look weak right now. I can't. The weaker I look, the more he'll fight me and I can't leave him. I can't abandon him. He needs me. He's-

Going to make a huge mistake.

I tug on the clump of hair and scrunch up my face. There's that voice again. Why's it bothering with me? I'm plenty aware that he's going to get into trouble. He always gets into trouble. That's…that's what I'm here for. I'm here to remind him that he is a part of this universe. That he is important. That, because he's part of the universe, he can't ignore his past actions. That we have to accept the past and move forward from it. That we can't keep brooding on it. He needs me. He needs me to shout this in his face and tell him to stop focusing on the past and stop hating himself for not living up to the expectations of others.

I need to stop. I unclench my fist and let go of my hair. I need to stop and just hug him. I couldn't do that before. Not really. I couldn't be there to show him that he doesn't need to hate himself. I crawl forward and put my hands on his arms. He pulls away from me. His face twists into a snarl and I see panic and distrust in his eyes. This isn't going so well.

When he speaks, his voice is weak, but full of the same stubbornness I've dealt with every day since he shoved me down. "Don't touch me." He pushes himself further away from me, even though I've remained in place. What is he doing? "Don't. J-just…get out. Get. Out. I hate you."

I crawl closer to him. "I'm not leaving you." I can't leave him. I have to help him. That's my job, I think. No matter what he says or how far down he shoves me in his heart, I will stay by him and help him. He might say he doesn't want my help, but, deep down, I know he needs me.

"Go away." He moves away from me again. "Leave me alone, you nuisance."

"I'm not leaving, Giegue." It's a strange experience, talking to myself. To him. I look down at my hands. Can I call myself Giegue? I mean, I…I am Giegue. I know I am. That's one of the few things I'm sure of. Stop it, I tell myself. You can't afford to worry about who you are. You know that. You're as much Giegue as he is. You're…you're…a nuisance. That's what he called me. A nuisance. I straighten myself up and stare right at him. He can go ahead and call me that if he wants. I know I'm helping him.

He's up against a wall. His ears are flat against his head. I reach out towards him and he flinches. Does he think I'm going to hurt him? I frown and lean back. Okay, then.

He's starting to shake. "I don't need you. Get out."

"Of course you need me." I smile at him. He's not looking so good. The dark rings around his eyes are more pronounced.

"I have no need for you. You are just…you are just a waste of space. A useless castoff." He pulls his legs up against his chest.

My ears go flat against my head. He's…he's said things like this before, but, this is the first time I've felt out of place. Hearing him call me a castoff and a waste of space…it sends my thoughts in directions I'd rather stay away from. Just don't focus on what he's saying, I tell myself. Look at him. He's a wreck. I can't tell if he's sick or just pulling away from me. Either way, I'm concerned. I lean forward and stretch a hand out towards him. "Hey, are you o-"

He swats my hand away. "OUT!"


	5. Niiue

Why is he still here? Why didn't it work like I planned? I rest my head against the wall and try to ignore my trembling body and churning stomach. This is bad. This is worse than before. I didn't mean to…to…

What didn't I mean to do? My head throbs and I lose my concentration. This is his fault. If he'd just gone away when I told him to, I wouldn't feel like this. I wouldn't feel so torn apart. I wouldn't feel broken and sick and weak and it's his fault. It's all his fault! Everything is. The way everyone looked at me after she left, the loneliness, the isolation, the knowledge that I was sub-par and not trusted, the abandonment. If it wasn't for him I might…I might feel like I belonged somewhere. I might feel a sense of belonging instead of…

Instead of…

I tighten my grip on my legs and curl closer. I couldn't even clear my mind properly, why am I such a failure, I hate myself and my inability to do anything right, and I hate him, too, since he just won't leave me alone. I don't need him. I don't want him. I can't stand him. I want him gone, but here he is, staring at me and I wish he would leave. Why won't he leave? Why won't he abandon me just like everyone else?

"Get out, nui-"

* * *

I lost my focus when he cuts off halfway through his word. Oh, I think as he jerks forward and gags, he's going to vomit. My mind whirs as I crawl over to him. He keeps calling me pest and nuisance. I don't like either label, I decide, taking his hand. I would rather use my name, but, I really can't anymore since that would be really, really confusing. No way I'm letting him call me pest, though. Because, because I'm not. I'm not a pest. I might not know what exactly I am apart from Giegue, but I know that much.

I squeeze his shaking hand and consider my options. It's hard to focus. I hear his voice in my head saying nuisance and pest. It's very distracting. I just need…

I need to think of a name. A name I can cling to when I start doubting myself; one that reminds me of who I am and why I can't give up, no matter what happens. I lean forward and hair falls in front of my face. I am Giegue. A part of him, at least. A part that he calls a nuisance. Nuisance, Nuisan, Nu, Nui, Nuis, Nis, Ni. I like it. Niiiiiii. Niiiiiiiiiiii. I'm still Giegue, though. No matter what he does or what he wants, I'll always be a part of him. We should have matching names, I decide, leaning against him.

He's shaking pretty bad, but he's not gagging anymore. How should I match them? There are so many opportunities and ways to match, but I can only pick one! Rhyming. That's what I'll do. I rest my head against his, smiling. He's Giegue and I'm Niiue. 'dorable.

I feel, for the first time since Giegue pushed me away, that I actually stand a chance of helping him. Maybe this is a good situation. I can hug him now. I couldn't do that before. Well, not really, at least. I wrap my arms around him and relax.

* * *

I have to get rid of him. I can't let that…that pest stay. I hate him. I hate him more than I've ever hated anything before. He's just, he's only, he's my weaknesses. My hesitation, my pathetic emotions, everything that brought me pain in the past. He has to go. He has to. I don't want him here. I don't want him leaning up against me, I don't want him talking to me, I don't want to ever hear his voice again.

Right now, though?

Right now, there's nothing I can do about the pest. Right now, the world swirls and my vision clouds over. Right now, I can't stop shaking. Right now, I faint.


End file.
